Week 1: The Awakening…of James Pussy

What up its the legendary DJ Ebrostradamus here to break down week 1 of the NFL season like only I can, just wanna give swift and justified Matthew Buttweiler “NA NA” to  everyone who was hating on the draft recap. It has been and always will be a Gifapalooza. Deal with it. Shoutout to the commish for dropping the D Player. A new Vikings season is upon us, and all I gotta say is we are str8 fucked until we draft our new franchise QB after this season. 7-9 bitches. AP is gonna be a lot closer to 1500 than the 2500 he’s callin thats for sure. Cordarelle Patterson is the next Julio Jones and next year will be a stud fantasy WR, but until then he’s just sucking Christian Ponder’s farts. Cassel blows too,  the motherfucking god himself known as SHERIFFS COMING  dropped as many titties in Thursday nights game as this fuckboy clipboard holder did all last season. In Spielman we trust tho, and a new franchise QB will be the cherry on top of the 5 first rounders he’s added the past 2 years. I seriously dont even wanna say Mr. Sam Ponder’s name the rest of the season..just gonna wait it out til it’s all over. GOD IT BETTER BE ALL OVER. 

NFC NORTH PREDICTION:

1. The Yellow Fags

2. Chicago (BMarsh Love)

3. Skol

4. Kitties

Super Bowl Homeboy Prediction: Seahawks over Broncos

 

MVP Prediction: SHERIFFS COMIN, tho easy to say after last night’s ownage at Ball So Hard U

FANTASY MVP: Doug Martin, high TDs and yards.

FANTASY Bust: Darren McFadden, not even worth a top 150 pick to me.

BEST DRAFT: If Sully had gone AJ Green over Julio & Cam over Luck, I would be tempted to pick him, but obviously AP at 1 and Matty Ice in the 5th are great picks, and while I would’ve gone SJack & Fitz over Roddy & David Wilson, I cant knock the hustle from the Macho King. Way to many Steelers tho, fucking re god damn diculous how many crappy Steeler fantasy players you own. Kauf also warranted a nomination but the McFadden pick is a disgrace!

WORST DRAFT: Easily Ro Ro. I love Forte & Welker & I cant hate on Arodg as a fantasy player but the rest is just wack, You left early and it shows. Who leaves early on draft day, the greatest day of the season? Will be hard to top this for SMH of the Year.

PRESEASON ALL EBRO TEAM

All the members of the annual All-Ebro Preseason Team will receive a 3 month subscription to Brazzers.com and my mom’s homemade enchiladas. Suck it Phil Simms.

QB: Sheriff, but a special Running QB nod to Cam Newton

RB: Doug Martin

RB: Adrian Peterson

WR: Brandon Marshall

WR: Wes Welker

TE: Wheelchair Jimmy

DEF: San Francisco..Would be Seattle if Percy was back KR & PR.

ON TO THE PICKS

I was dog ass at these last year, but I worked doggedly in the offseason with Trent Dilfer to step my game up.

SEADDERAL SEAHAWKS V TEAM EL DIRTAY

Hey uh, anybody see that game last? Hmmm, yeap that was my TE Orange Julius Thomas dropping 2 tittties & 110 yards on Sully’s biking ass. Julio v the Saints is scary good matchup for the Dirty One, and Luck will likely tear daaa Raiders a new one, but cmon: I got Julius Thomas. Im taking me over Sullyb133.

SHOW ME YOUR TDS V EAT MY CECIL SHORTS

I think Taylors got a great team this year, and Im defintiely pissed that some lawyer chick got an RGIII jersey the same week I did, but Im a trooper we all know EBROSTRADAMUS was driving the RGIII bandwagon from the word go. The only problem here is Taylor is starting Jared Cook & Issac Redman. May be starters, but dude Sam Bradford is Cook’s QB. This will not end well. Im taking Brooke over Taylaw.

MONEY BADGER V TEAM HANSON

Ouch, way to start Ravens D AND the Sheriff’s Comin ZHans, u just took one TD and 50 yards off Peyton’s numbers.  Demaryious’ huge second half helps Soule, and I like his remaining matchups better than Hansels. Stafford to Bush could be the start of a beautiful fantasy relationship, tho I think Bush will get hurt eventually this year sometime. This will be the Barnburner of the Week, and Im taking Brady to top Hans.

SPARK OF ZMART V THE CHURCH OF PURPLE JESUS

Has the Purple Jesus turned the athiest bastard Kranz into a believer? Stay #Blessed in his purple love, wisdom & compassion, my friend.  TB and Amendola will circle the Buffalo Bills wagons this weekend, but im questionable on CJ2K, Eddie Lacey and Sidney Rice. Meanwhile Ice & Roddy get to piledrive the Katrina Aints and we all know the legendary skull fucking that AP consistanly provides the Lions. Im taking Kranz over Zmart.

COOPER CLUX CLAN V PIMPIN AINT BREESY

The commish is hungry for that title belt after fucking it up so bad late in the season, and the defending champ Marissa is his first opponent in the way. She brings back a lot of the team that got her to the FFF 2.0 gloryland, but Greg Olson, Ahamad Bradshaw & Hakeem Nicks are more solid starters than every week studs. James could have the best or the worst RB squad depending how things break for Demarco Murray & Lamar Miller, and his WRS are very good. Im a big believer of Tony Romo this year too. Im taking James to queef on top of Marissa’s head this week.

TEAM MARTENS V TEAM KAUFHOLD

Battle of the two Easy division and creatively named opponents. Arodg faces a super tough matchup w the 49ers and Ross is still starting Chris Ivory, who doesnt even start for the fucking Jets..and its weird hes still projected for 11. oh wait no its not its ESPN they get paid the more they jizz the Jets. i seriously cannot believe how much coverage there absolutely shitty QB battle has gotten, its honestly like the difference between going 3-13 and going 4-12. Breaks my heart to see Decks not get any of that sweet tender Sheriff lovin last night, but still im picking Kauf over Ross. 

THUS EBROSTRADAMUS SPOKE

Stay #Blessed

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s