Tag team, back again lemme hear say WHOOP there it is. Sorry, that was stupid. Its ya boy Ebrostradamus here to break down an absolutely thrilling week one, which included one game closer than 10 points, 2 30 point blowouts and *surprise* the Hard Division going 3-1 and the Easy Division going 1-3.
We also had a controversial early start to the FAAB. Not cool James, not cool. Luckily there were really no major free agents to be had, so a huge catastrophy was avoided.
MVP OF THE WEEK: Normally I would give this to Peyton Manning with his 7 TDs and all, but Hans had him and still lost by 17 points, so the MVP of week 1 has to go to the entire Money Badger team, who put up an average of 16.11 points, repeating of course.
LVP OF THE WEEK: This goes to Kranz’s duo of Roddy White & David Wilson, who combined for -2 points. if he would’ve took Larry Fitz & Steven Jackson like I suggested last week, he wouldve won by 18 points. #EbrostradamusIsSmart
“BOSTON STRONG” MOMENT OF THE WEEK: This goes to me, for thinking Jared Cook would be sucking Bradford’s farts all season. He had 2 tuddys week one and shouldve had a third, praise #ChosenOne Tyrann Mathieu for hunting his ass down at the goal line. Also shoutout to Boston, who had a combined a 9/11 and Boston Marathon bombing memorial on 9/11 yesterday. WTF Boston, why does it always have to be about you? Matty Buttweiler on line 1 for you, he says “Na na.”
THE BRANDON BURNS MEMORIAL “THATS INTERESTING” AWARD: This weekly award will go to when a bad fantasy player does something of minor, unimportant interest. That’ll go to Darren McFadden this week, who averaged less than 3 yards a carry, but scored one TD then had another called back. Week one is always exhilarating times for the former Razorback, who caught 13 balls last year but COMPLETELY shit the bed the rest of the year.
LAST WEEK: 3-3
SHOW ME YOUR TDS VS SEADDERALL SEAHAWKS
The schedule sets up very nicely for me against my former Ron Swanson Division rival, with Killa Cam facing the Bills, MJD against daaaaaaaa Raidahs, and Greg the Leg Zuerlien vs the Falcons!!!!!! Brooke has it a little tougher, with Russell Wilson facing the 49ers (Alabama-Texas A&M + Seattle-San Francisco= #Blessed football weekend) CJ Spiller v the tough Panthers D, but likely Mike Wallace will make more than one catch & I get the feeling Beast Marsh will own the purple & gold’s cornerbacks. Did you know Russell Wilson & Colin Kaepernick made a bet about this weeks game? Loser has to shave an eyebrow…so what do you say Brooke? LOSER SHAVES AN EYEBROW, LETS GO. I’m taking myself over Brooke, but barely. By an eyebrow, you might say.
TEAM EL DIRTAY V EAT MY CECIL SHORTS
Ouch. When Megatron doesn’t produce and your rookie running backs combine for 4 points, things get ugly quick for Team Sully. Julio Jones gets a huge upgrade with Roddy White dealing with a high ankle sprain for a few weeks, although he is questionable on the injury report himself right now. Andrew Luck dominates the Dolphins, throwing for 433 yards against them last year..meanwhile Team TayLaw has got to be a little bit worried on how rusty RGIII looked on Monday Night Football. Luckily he gets to play the Pack this week. Speaking of which, Clay Matthews is more worthless to the human race than a pile of dead dog shit. I swear if he drops a cheap shot like he did on Kaep I will drive down to Green Bay and run him down in his recumbent bike. Frankly put, I can’t see Sully winning too many games until he gets some legit production from his RB’s. Im choosing Taylor over Brady.
SPARK OF ZMART V MONEY BADGER
Bradys team is looking like the deepest in the league after his week one pounding of ZHans. Demaryious Thomas, Reggie Bush, & Vernon Davis all looked like candidates to finish in the top 5 of their positions at the end of the year. Yeah, shaddup I know it was only one week, but you gotta admit the potential is there. Zmart found gold as well in Anquan Boldin, but I would definitely be worried about the WR position as Danny “Made of Glass, and Not The Good Kind You Smoke With” Amendola & Sidney”Shocking Hurt Again” Rice are hurting, shockingly, again. CJ2K & Arian Foster didnt preform as well, and now Gary Kubiak is saying he wants Ben Tate to get as many carries as Foster does a game. Not good. Im taking Brady over Zach.
BLAIR WALSH PROJECT V CHURCH OF PURPLE JESUS
Very creative name Hach, surely no one in this league had this name last year. Troubling times for The Church, as White is gonna be hurt again this week and Wilson may be on backup duties to start the game. The Shane Vereen injury hurts as well, especially since Hans is the owner of Stevan Ridley. Desean Jackson may have been taken a little high in the draft, but if Chip Kellys offense keeps running loose on the NFL like it did week 1 it could be a pretty smart pickup. I’m a little worried about Jermichael Finleys health this week, but I dont think its gonna matter as he wisely choose to come to Minnesota to get treatment. Grass is definitely greener over here buddy. Im taking Zhans over Kranz
TEAM MARTENS V COOPER CLUX CLAN
The line may be set at -24, but I think this will be the Barnburner of the Week! I’m calling 2 TD’s for Wheelchair Jimmy this week. Ross’s team came out surprisingly strong week 1, getting the Easy Division its one and only W, and I’m gonna call 2 TDs for Forte as well. Im pretty worried about Cardnials D this week against Detroit, and thatll hurt Ro Ro ballin n sheeit. This is gonna high scoring, like I said barns will burn, and Im taking James over Ross.
PIMPIN AINT BREESY V TEAM KAUFHOLD
I think that hurt all of us deep down that our hometown boy and sock ruiner Eric Decker didnt catch a single one of Peyton’s record setting TDs. Atleast we are getting close to his reality show with his smoking hot ass wife.
Brees & Lynch are gonna be a tough combo week in week out this year, but sorry Marissa the rest of your team is just scrubs. Shoulda had E-40 draft again! Lynch is a fucking juggernaut in Madden this year, impossible to tackle. Also who is the nerdlinger dingus who made it impossible to do trades this year?? I couldnt get anyone to take AJ Green and a first rounder for another stud WR. Who the hell would turn down that deal in real life? Madden just cant help but piss down their leg with each new edition. Tavon Austin might be my favorite player in this years tho, already returned a couple kickoffs with him. Alright and thats your Madden 25 bitchfest for the week, I’m your host Ebrostradamus and I’m taking Kaufhold over Marissa!