Week Three: We Will Literally Shit Down the Browns Throats This Sunday

Things got fiestier than James drinking a bottle of tequilla last week in the FFF 3.0 with two games coming down a single point and Zmart pissing down his leg by only scoring 53 points. Speaking of pissing down ones leg, the triumphant return of the Macho King Kranz to the league has gotten off to a Childress level of horrendous start: 0-2, 3rd round pick David Wilson still has negative points, and if it werent for Zmarts performance you would have the fewest amount of points scored! Cmon man! I’d expect that out of Kauf (also 0-2) but….well I dont need to finish that sentence, I’d just expect that out of Kauf. Poor drafting and players being complete busts by week 2 is no way to go through life, son. Speaking of an elite GM head on his shoulders, Zhans produced his annual FAAB budget drainer by purchasing the services of Green Bay RB James Starks for a mere $55, only $37 more than anyone else bid. Does it matter though? Green Bay running backs are historically fantasy goldmine!

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MVP OF THE WEEK: Aaron Rodgers scored ro ro a narrow 1 point victory over the commish with his masterful 35 point performance against the lowly Redskins. Dat boy good.

LVP OF THE WEEK: Oh nice one Eagles D!!! Your -2 points cost our commish the game!!!! Now I have to slob on Discount Double Check’s knob as Week 2 MVP!!

“BOSTON STRONG” MOMENT OF THE WEEK:  This goes to the Jacksonville Jaguars and any fool in this league who selected their players. GOD WTF WHY DID I TAKE MJD ON EVERY TEAM I HAVE THIS YEAR THEYVE CROSSED THE 50 YARDLINE LIKE 3 TIMES SO FAR IM ACTUALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO BLAINE GABBERT COMING OFF THE IR JUST SIGN TEBOW WHO EVEN CARES.

THE BRANDON BURNS MEMORIAL “THATS INTERESTING” AWARD: Antonio Brown is pretty much by far the best fantasy option on the Steelers, yet only has 12 points on the season to show for it. Congrats to Kranz for taking so many of Todd Haley’s Steelers. Even more baffling, in my super awesome 14 team 2 QB PPR league, James has 4 Browns!!! Kranz, your off the hook as “Biggest Nut Gobbler of a Turrible Fantasy Team” this season.

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In all seriousness and no offense to Leslie, I’m beginning to think the day the Steelers signed away Mike Tomlin is one of the darkest days in Vikings history.

LAST WEEK: 2-4

SEASON TOTAL: 5-7

SEADDERALL SEAHAWKS V EAT MY CECIL SHORTS

Is this the week RGIII gets fully healthy and produces a spectacular fantasy week? Ill be wearing my RGIII jersey for good luck, but I’m kinda hoping not since I’m playing him & TayLaw’s squad. If were him, I’d be starting Greg Jennings over Cecil Shorts every chance I get, since now the Browns are basically forefeiting the 2013 season. Vikes should hang atleast 30 on these chumps, and if not then its probably Matt Cassel time. I made the bold choice of starting Mike Vick over Cam Newton, who since the Eagles came into the week with the #1 QB, RB and WR, should probably get used to sitting on the bench and dumping gatorade over my  quarta back when I demolish Taylor this week.

Gatorade Shower

 

TEAM EL DIRTAY V SHOW ME YOUR TDS

Brookes team took a huge hit with the loss of ATL RB Steven Jackson for a couple weeks, but I think CJ Spiller, inspired by the surprisingly good Clemson game last night, finally gets in the end zone for the first time this season. But seriously, WTF are you thinking sitting Russell Wilson against the Jags??? For Alex Smith?? Bish u crazy. Sully u are just as fucked in the head for starting Felix Jones. Luckily I think your trio of stud Wrs, led by Calvin Johnson against the Skins, will have enough firepowder to overcome that and Andrew Luck against the 49ers. Im taking Brady.

MONEY BADGER V THE CHURCH OF PURPLE JESUS

Yikes, fantasy keeps hitting Kranz below the belt with his longtime lover Dwayne Bowe dropping a goose egg on Thursday night. I mean I’ve already said enough more than enough about his struggles this week, he’s losing. Money Badger has some of the best matchups in all of fantasy this week, including Matthew Stafford & Reggie Bush V the Redskins, Demaryious Thomas v the Raiders, &  Doug Martin V the Pats.  I’m taking Brady.

THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN V THE SPARK OF ZMART

I cant lie: I laughed when I saw Zhans moves , but his team is looking pretty strong top to bottom this week. Zmart on the other hand…..yikes looking weaker than all the babes u train at Lifetime. Who are your WRS this season?? You of all people should know the importance of a strong recieving core. Will Steven Ridley stop being a bitch this week? If he does, I think Zhans will win. But this one will be close.

COOPER CLUX CLAN V TEAM KAUFHOLD

Lesean McCoy would definitely be the #2 if not #1 pick if we did a re draft today, touche James. Both these teams are looking better than big butts in yoga pants, im declaring this the Barnburner of the Week. There saying Trent Richardson might not get too many touches this weekend, and i doubt Eddie Royal can keep up the touchdown pace. Shoulda took my Jordy Nelson for Eric Decker offer when it was on the table!  James is projected the highest amount of points in the league this week, so I’m taking him.

PIMPIN AINT BREESY V TEAM MARTENS

Ross is a surprising 2-0, which is crazy after getting the #1 two years in a row and sucking more than Lisa Ann, he got the last pick and is undefeated.  Both these squads feature a studly QB, RB  & WR and not much else..so Who do you like better?

I like Marissa’s team just a little better.

I’m so sorry if I picked your team to win this week!!

Kids a Chicken

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