A wise gaylord named Drake once said, “There aint no awards for that”
Well fuck him and fuck him twice again, because EBROSTRADAMUS is here to hand out his Bonnaroo 2014 Awards.
It was my first time at the farm, and honestly the things I’m about to spit are pretty cliche, but I couldn’t have had a better time with my fellow Bonnaroovians, the Tennessee heat & humidity felt amazing, and the toilets were clean the entire time so you could literally eat where you shit, which I tried to do as much as possible. Again, sorry with the cliches. Now on to the awards!
But first, a word from our sponsor: Me. As many of you know, I am now the Shorts Czar. I take my Presidentially appointed task very seriously, and Bonnaroo was a nightmare first gig. Too many of the beautiful ladies in attendance thought it “hok” to wear jean shorts up to their bully buttons and/or with little to zero care about the camel toe they were forcing on their sweaty gooch. And the fellas, the fellas: Might as well be wearing speedos with how high you have those “shorts” hiked. Think twice before leaving the house this summer. If you can see your knees, plz giiiit out, hok?
Boobs I saw: 10 pair
Boobs I saw during A$AP Ferg’s set: 12909398490243
Miley Cyrus hair cuts: 9
Miley Cyrus haircuts on overweight black men: 1
Avg. Temp While Watching the World Cup at the Kalliope (Scientific): 125 felt like IMO
“Dutch” Award: To the happy and very European dude running around the Kalliope celebrating the Netherlands ass-whupping of the favored Spaniards. How do I know he was European? Americans don’t celebrate that daintily! Also, I heard him talk funny words.
I Was Wronger Than Steve Irwin Was About Those Stingrays Award: This goes to Skrillex. My opinion of the Bedroom Beethoven did a total 180 after seeing him lead the Skrillex Super Jam on Saturday night. Him playing duely guitars with the Doors’ Robby Krieger on “Break on Through” was one of my favorite moments of the weekend, and now I am a fan of the dude, even if his actual set would have given me epilepsy if I had stayed longer than 15 minutes.
Best Dancers Award: This goes to the total frat bros at the Classixx show on Saturday afternoon. It was like 1 pm after Kanye & Disclosure melted faces the previous night and with the rest of the crowd in zombie or mushroom mode, somehow these brahs (and I cannot stress enough how frickin bro these bros were) put together a performance for the ages. One of the best and beautifully choreographed dance lines I’ve ever seen, especially for fat sweaty dudes, and a ***bench press dance circle**** that I didn’t even know, I still don’t know, and all I will ever know is I will never have that much fun dancing in my entire life. SALUTE.
The Zedd and Kaskade I DONT GET IT Award: I have seen each of these guys at multiple festivals, and for what it’s worth, I just don’t get the appeal. The rising and the climaxing and the dropping the beat and the sampling of today’s top songs, seems like fun but when it’s literally every single song and the DJ adds like zero musicianship to it and basically just presses play on his MacBook, honestly I have never felt more out of place and like I was in the “Everything is Shit” episode of South Park. Sobered up real quick, which kudos to me, is hard to do at Bonnaroo. But if you like it, I’m not going to go after you, like if you tell me the Carter V is already classic on Twitter.
Coolest dude at Bonnaroo: Elton John’s dummer for wearing white butler gloves. Super British, You and I will never be as cool. So it may not be a classic case of someone being cooler than you, but he’s was drumming on Sunday at Bonnaroo, the dirtiest of all dirty, with gloves that are probably taken care of better than my diabetes. He knows he is better than us!
1. James Blake
Coming after the high of Chromeo, James Blake had both technical difficulties and a delayed start. Oh, and his music is ass, mostly. I am positive he has some good shit but he played one of those types of songs before going to the “just me and the sad piano British rainy day boner killer” type stuff. A real boner killer.
2. That was it. I only saw one bad show at Bonnaroo.
5. A$AP Ferg
All my crew went back to the tent to pre-game for Sir Elton John, so I saw A$AP Mob’s Fergavicious alone…..holy shit they missed out on Ferg bringing every bad bitch to stage to show they titties, kicking em off, having the whole crowd basically bum rush a fat dude in the middle, bringing up fans to freestyle, of which one was actually really good, and then the Trap Lord went crowd surfing and played his “Trap Lord” mixtape. The Hood Pope kilt it. He kilt it.
I wish I remembered more but I definitely blacked out from how good this show was. Special shoutout to Sam Smith AKA the Voice of an Angel for coming on to sing “Latch”, which we all knew was coming since he played the same stage earlier in the day but come on, and a special shoutout to the kid next to me who puked during the moshpit of “White Noise”, then refused to leave. Please, sir, you can GIIIIIIT OUT of this Disclosure love fest.
Separating the top 3 was tough for me, and #2 and #3 are in the top 3 of any shows I’ve seen ever, except for when Run The Jewels shouted me out in concert last summer. Chromeo should play the Super Bowl Halftime Show and that’s all I need to say, although I will continue the sentence and say go see them if they come to your city because they are a live act through and through. Nobody at Bonnaroo played to the crowd better.
2. Kanye West
Kanye forsaked me once when him and Jay-Z bailed on the Minneapolis stop of the Watch The Throne Tour. Kanye forsaked me twice when his Yeezus Tour stage got damaged and cancelled his Minneapolis date. Would he forsake me a third time? Would I be lost in the world with no reasonable spiritual & musical guide to lead me AGAIN? Short answer: no. Kanye is a god. Black Skinhead started and I lost my mind for two hours. I cherished every single second of every single rant and he has continued with on the Yeezus tour tradition of a one of a kind show with original rants and Kim Kardashian’s sick boobs on the side of the stage watching. You pissed on em, Ye. Thank you. Where the press at?
1. Skrillex Super Jam
Looking back, it’s funny that we and my crew almost left for Frank Ocean. The thing took 45 minutes to set up, and since we had no clue what to expect and since we were classically trained to hate the boy wonder known as Skrillex, it was a Yeezus miracle that we stuck around. Best show I have ever seen in my life. Fatman Scoop came out and did “Let Me Clear My Throat”, MYSTIKAL of all the rappers on this planet dropped “DANGER” and “SHAKE YA ASS” and “BUMPING ME AGAINST THE WALL” and I was required to write about it in all caps since MYSTIKAL is not a quiet motherfucker. Craig Robinson played keyboards and sang a Bill Withers song, and my Bonnaroo Boner was at it’s hardest all weekend. Other highlights include Janelle Monae doing “Wanna Be Starting Something” and “I Feel Good”, and making me feel bad for missing her actual set, WarPaint merging “Let’s Dance” and “Pump up the Jams”, A$AP Ferg forgetting the lyrics to Juicy and then totally redeeming himself by dropping a siiiiiiiiiiick freestyle over the second verse, Robby Krieger doing “Break on Through” with the Cage The Elephant singer doing a full-on drunken Jim Morrison at his worst impression, Lauryn Hill closing, and Skrillex being the coolest and biggest rockstar on the planet. Bonnaroo is a special place, and I’m #BLESSED I got to see this once in a lifetime show up close.
I will end the Ebrostradamus Bonnaroo Awards with a montage of how I danced out on the farm. Enjoy
You just got Rick Rolled. That was the whole point of this. Thank You!