Feels great to be back for another year of EBROSTRADAMUS, starting off right with the tradition of breaking down the live draft, which I think went very well. Great grub from Thumper, Zmarts, Kauf. Thx to Hans for the Fireball & to Raddo for making a rare public appearance, Kauf for hosting & James for throwing down on a draft board. Nice jerb all around.
Last year quick recap: James had the highest scoring team yet had another playoff disappointment, me and Thumper’s epic semi-final was decided on the last play on Monday Night Football, oh yeah and Taylor won his first FFF title with Jason Campbell starting in the title game. Quick, tell me what he team he was on. I sure as fuck didn’t know. So now we have made the switch to PPR and fractions and I am happy we are no longer leaving points on the board. Next up? AUCTION DRAFT. Let’s do it people..it may cause us to lose our annual Teresa’s order drawing tradition, which SOME PEOPLE find ITS OK to ditch already, but auction drafts are more fun and you are involved in every pick and bleh bleh bleh it’s time for some Ebro Hot Takes.
Ebro Hot Takes
Takes so hot they burned Satan’s butthole on the way out.
AP will have 50 receptions
Corrdarrelle Patterson will be drafted in the top 30 next year, and Greg Jennings in the top 75.
Jordy Nelson will be #1 in WR TDs.
Gronk misses 8 weeks.
Blount will have nearly as many fantasy points as Le’veon Bell.
Same with Reggie Bush & Joique Bell.
Antonio Brown, Victor Cruz & Calvin Johnson top 100 receptions.
EBROSTRADAMUS ALL PRO PRESEASON SQUAD:
You gon’ win some shit with these fellers.
QB: Aaron Rodgers
RB: Adrian Peterson
RB: Matt Forte
WR: Jordy Nelson
WR: Demaryious Thomas
TE: Jimmy Graham
Bonus Super Bowl pick: Broncos over 49ers. I still think the Sheriff should’ve gone to San Fran.
Busts within First 5 rounds:
They fucking suck and you’re a dipshit for drafting them.
Montee Ball, Doug Martin
Breakout Players taken after Round 10:
These guys…..I like these guys.
Jarret Boykin, Ronnie Hillman, Carlos Hyde, Zach Ertz,
Best/Worst Picks with gifs.
You know the drill..click if they stopped gifing.
ME: AP/Ellington. Shakin my mothafucking head to all you fools who thought I wouldn’t take Adrian at #1. Thanks to the Commish for generously giving me the opportunity. I love Ellington, he has Jamaal Charles breakout type potential, but I feel like he’s a year away. Passing on Arodg at 24/25 will hurt, but fantasy football is more enjoyable for me when I can avoid rooting for players to break their legs in real life. It’s just common sense.
Thumper: LeSean McCoy because Chip Kelly is a god/ Le’veon Bell because he has a bad YPC and he smokes weed so Rodger Goodell will probably try to hit him with a lifetime ban. Speaking of lifetime bans, I was hoping James would drop the LB word on YOU for DITCHING the annual Teresa’s banquet so you could go sit on Jordan’s couch and sleep off a hangover with Keeping Up With The Kardashians on in the background while she popped your back zits, probably. Absolutely the most pathetic thing I have ever seen in my life, and that includes watching Sully attempt to competently function at the live draft. You really don’t deserve a gif, so I’ll just put my favorite one of this kid putting the night moves on the ol’ medicine ball right here instead:
Sully: I mean where to begin. The Arodg, Megatron & Cordarrelle trio are not to be fucked with, but…….. drafting a 2nd QB before a 2nd RB, bro? Making ESPN’s 20th ranked kicker the first kicker taken, and in the 12 round, breh? You really thought this was a one RB league, brah? You really thought Toby Gerhart was still AP’s backup, bruh? Matty Buttsniffer stopped spinning’ the 1’s & 2’s long enough to tell you NA NA. I wish I could claim to my alleged live draft shenanigans, but really, it aint my fault.
Zmarts: Brees in the 3rd is great value/ Richardson in the 6th. Richardson couldn’t even average 3 yards per carry in the preseason. Just goes to show that players from Alabama ain’t shit. TRich hits the turf more than Ron Jeremy.
Here’s an interesting pic of Ron Jeremy, don’t click it, but dis my reaction.
James: Ridley in the 9th/Sankey in the 7th. Also spare us with the dramatics next time, think your picks were so good you didn’t even need to say em huh?? Think we wanna watch you stick fucking Roddy White’s name up there like you were about to drop the hottest mixtape of 2014, huh?? Is that what you think???? Making us look like this when you made a pick??
Ok. Stevan Ridley was a nice late round pick up (similar to Tischer cleaning Rick’s poop after the draft) but Ridley drops the ball more than ….well, you.
Zach: Kendall Wright is a PPR stud/ Outside of Peyton you have 0 players who will be top 5 at their position, and I say that with a Marshawyn Lynch haahhd-on
Kauf: Probably could’ve gotten Tom Brady 3 rounds later, but if Gronk stays healthy that is as deadly as a combo as it gets. Almost as deadly as the thick, dense, atmospheric farts you blessed us with. I really don’t have a great feel on your draft, so instead of elite Ebro analysis, how about we all enjoy and bask in the warm glow of this gif of the piece-a-shit Packers season ending last year:
Taylor: If I had stayed at 5 I would’ve taken Graham, so I love it at 8. Clearly, Tay is ready to defend his title. Not a fan of Matthews at all. I don’t think he busts but Ebrostradamus aint having it either. I felt like in the room you were building a great draft, but on paper I’m not as blown away by the final result. Graham-Brown-Bush-Allen is a great way to start a PPR draft though. Plus, Antonio Brown has the best TD dance in the NFL:
Marissa: Big fan of this draft all around. Everybody knows I love Brandon Marshall, and to pair him with Demaryious Thomas is just unreal. Wallace, MJD & Sproles are all good mid-round bets, and most of your RB’s have extra value in PPR. Matthew Berry thinks Pierre Thomas may get 100 receptions this year. Lil crazy for Ebrostradamus’ blood, but still. It’s a good thing Brooke ditched James’ pre-draft advice and listened to you. This draft was money!
Raddo: Did more reaching than ESPN’s story about Michael Sam’s shower habits. It’s like, its 2014, right Thumper?? Eman Sanders is his team’s 3rd or 4th option at best, and you took him before WR1’s Keenan Allen, Larry Fitz, Cordarrelle, Cruz, & Crabtree to name a few. Plus, no Decker on your squad has to have given you the biggest blue balls seen this side of James & Brooke living at her rents house for a few months before the wedding. Ohhh Decks..
Not enough socks in the world, baby.
Kranz: Luck was good value/ CJ Spiller and HIS NAME IS TOBY are kind of a crappy way to draft running backs. Your WRs could be the best in the league after Marissa’s, and at least you were able to trade Steven Jackson for Fred Jackson. Already taking advantage of Raw Doggin Raddo, thats good hustle. Kind of dubious how half of your starting line up is white players..just sayin’. Luckily (no pun intended) you have RGIII, Ebrostradamus’ favorite player and official draft jersey of Ebrostradamus on your bench. Having that jersey in 10 years will be like owning Nazi memorabilia, I already feel dirty. Speaking of dirty, here is RGIII’s greatest hits from the sideline. Straight fire.
That’s my quartaback.
Brooke: Brooke decided it would be more worth it to be in James’ doghouse than take his fantasy advice on players like Frank Gore & Jordan Cameron, so I applaud her decision. Montee Ball is a turrible player and should’ve been taken around the 80th pick in my opinion. HOWEVA (Stephen A Smith voice) I cannot hate on a draft that includes Danny Woodcock.
Thems are my draft reactions, what do you think? Voice your disgust in the FB comments.
Week 1 Quick Picks
EBROLA VIRUS over Winning SZN
BEAT-N-AROUND THE BUSH over The Headless Horseman
GRONK NATION #12 over Tickel Me Manzielmo
EVERYDAY I’M RUSSELL’N over The Yellow King
THE GREAT KRANZBY over Pimpin’ Aint Breesy
CORDARRELLE PAT-HER-ASS-SON over The Spark of Zmart
LAST SEASON 49-36 (57%)