Y’ALL READY FOR FFF 5.0? WHOSE GOING TO SEE VALHALLA AND THE EVERLASTING GLORY THAT IS A FFF FANTASY FOOTBALL CHAMPIONSHIP? WHO WILL RIDE ETERNAL, SHINY AND CHROME?
Welp, I was living in blissful ignorance until I was reminded ol rowdy Roddy Rademacher won the league last season. Holy ghost of Chris Kyle, I thought Marissa and Taylor winning it in the past was bad. Honestly he is the worst fantasy player ever, and if this draft was any indication, he’s back to his old Toilet Bowl ways. Before we start the season, I just wanna say: Make a fucking team name!!! Not even worth reviewing your pitiful squad if you’re not gonna throw something half-clever up there.
Man, did ol Ebrost’ spit some hot fire last year with his preseason predictions.
Did AP have 50 receptions? Nope. He didn’t even make it 50 plays, the camel-riding, switch-swattin’ bastard.
Did Cordarrelle Patterson become top 30 overall pick this year? Nope, not sure he would even go Top 300 if we had gone that far. Let the man wear his yellow cleats this year!!!
Did Legarrette Blount score more points than Leveon Bell? Nope. Won a Super Bowl though, take that Leveon ya big dumb doper.
Did Jordy Nelson become the #1 WR last year? Nope. But he did drop what would’ve been a 93 yard TD in the semi’s that would’ve taken James to the title game. You gotta take the good with the bad.
James can you just delete my old posts like you do with our league every year?? Didn’t hit on a single one…..kinda like Macho King Kranz in a room full of hot chicks.
2015’s Solid Gold 100% Money Vegas Ebrostradamus Predictions & Hot Takes:
Best RB: AP
Best WR: ODB
Biggest Bust: Joseph Randle
Biggest Surprise: Cecil Shorts III outperforms at least 3 of the other players drafted in round 5
Other shit Ebro is gonna nail 100% guaranteed
Tony Romo leads the league in TD passes
Gronk & Julio Jones get hurt, otherwise they are the best at their positions.
Russell Wilson is a top 3 QB
Tom Brady throws 40 TDs, fuck you Goodell!!!!
Zhans blows his FAAB budget by week 2
Kauf gets ripped off in at least 3 trades
James’s team mysteriously gets much much better when Brooke goes into labor
Brady hypes up the worst WR on his team at least every other day while no one listens.
No divisions provide a lack of drama down the stretch, but the playoffs are more intense. RIP Ron Swanson Division!!
James loses in the Semi-Finals again, realizes maybe if he allowed weekly prizes in this league he could actually win money for once!!
I have also come up with a random sports theory, filling in of course for Bill Simmons while he’s on break: The 120 Rule. This number is arbitrary as fuck, but Ebro believes if you make it to 120 points, you have a very very good shot at winning the week. How good? Not sure. I thought I had ran the numbers on this last season, with .33 repeating of course, but I didn’t. I’d love to go back and do it now, but our wise Commish blesses us with a fresh new league page every year. God bless ya James, would hate to go back and see how the historic FFF was won in previous years!
Best Overall Draft: Kranz. Bell may be suspended, Mike Evans may be dinged up, and relying on Tannehill to carry Lamar Miller & Jarvis Landry is risky jmo, but in terms of strength at every position, two PPR machines in Landry & Golden Tate, and a pissed off Tom Brady, there’s a lot to like about this squad. Also has the best team name in the FFF.
Worst Overall Draft: Raddo. I have talked myself into Demarco Murray being solid with the Eagles, but Randle and Hyde blow, you got jumped by like 5 teams in the Great Raddo Rush of 2015, and you were definitely on the clock for like three hours with no clue who you wanted. Thank god you took Decks to save some face. Devin Funchess can’t even start week one on the Panthers over Philly Brown and Ted Ginn. I say this with all due respect…..You were drunker than Lindsay Lohan. Hope you’re not planning any Vegas vacations around January with all the money your about to lose. You got my PayPal, right?
Best Overall Pick: ODB is magic. I think he’s the #1 player in fantasy this year, why did I not take him at 6, god damn smh Ebro. Great pick at #12 and unreal for being the 5th WR taken.
SOD: The troops. Shame on you for not dedicating the draft to them beforehand, Commish.
Worst Overall Pick: Shorts is possibly the worst value I have ever seen. I think there was only one player on my cheat sheet picked lower than where he was ranked IN THE ENTIRE DRAFT. Thank you for bringing your A game to the draft again Sully, thank you.
Best: AP…AP’s going to be on some of that “Fuck You, Goodell” mojo that’s propelled the Patriots to a couple titles. Also a big fan of DeAndre Hopkins, funny I got ripped for taking him in the 9th last year, and now he’s a 2nd rounder? How you like them apples, Commish? Darren McFadden could be a huge steal if he stays healthy.
Worst: Larry Fitz in the 6th…yikes didn’t you learn anything from when you had him last? The 51th best WR last season at 72nd overall. At least he’s “One of Us”. Larry Fitz though, really?
Best: Gostkowski…any time you can get the number one player at his position in the 11th round, you gotta take that. You got more Great Value than Walmart. (Since most of us are from Lakeville and would rather get shot Chris Kyle on the roof of the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina style than shop at Walmart, Great Value is Walmart’s in-house brand)
Worst: Martavius Bryant would’ve been the biggest reach minus Cecil Shorts, and Todd Gurley is out for the first month. Should’ve been more focused on packing this team with players that might play week one than packing bowls with Denver’s finest dank, smh.
Best: Golden Tate is a PPR machine and a Certified Ebrostradamus Steal in round 5.
Worst: Darren Sproles, I think he’s more cooked than a hot n ready from the Ferguson Lil’ Caesers they burned down.
Best: I’m all in on the Pats this season, love Edelman as their #1 WR
Worst: Hurts me to say this, but Brandon Marshall might be done. God damn that felt wrong to type. Won’t be able to sleep for a few nights here….something about when WRs put in that Jets jersey. RIP Decks & BMarsh, gone too soon.
Best: Chris Ivory in the 6th, wish I hadn’t got all caught up in the Great Raddo Rush of 2015 and taken Ivory instead of Sammy Watkins. Raddo had only one WR at that point and I was trying to fuck him over. John Brown is also a good late pick. Antonio Brown also gave us the greatest GIF of the 2014 season.
Worst: Not a Latavius Murray fan. The upside and opportunity are there but…he plays for the Silver & Black. Bust.
Best: Jeremy Hill in the second, thanks guys and gals! Jimmy Graham is gonna be more wild’n’out than Nick Cannon in Seattle, and Alfy Mo runs for 1K and 10 TD’s. 46 is the number of times you’ll punch yourself in the dick for passing on him.
Worst: I can find no holes with this draft.
Best: Love that you started out the draft with Dez Bryant, AJ Green and Emmanuel Sanders. Russell Man Muscle Wilson is a great QB to help with your RB weakness. I like how you pulled a lot of RB lotto tickets in the mid rounds, but early on you’re looking weaker than you without a shirt on.
Worst: Tavon Austin is still in the league?
Best: Matt Forte is as dependable as they come, likely won’t get 100 receptions again, I think we can rule out 100 receptions for sure. 100 receptions? Not from Forte. Not this time. Not even with Smokin’ Jay
Worst: Hoo boy, who to pick. Randle had a bad camp & offseason yet you still loved that Cowboys O line enough to take him a round or two higher than he should’ve gone. I also think Carlos Hyde sucks. Ebro doesn’t fuck with Alabama or OSU running backs.
Best: Desean Jackson in the 8th. Even if DJax is keeping it one hunnid and admitting the Redskins will suck this year and it’s just week one, thats a steal of a pick.
Worst: I’ve heard of the Hard Knocks draft boost, but this is ridiculous. Alright pretend I’m Allen Iverson: Cecil Shorts?? We talking bout Cecil Shorts man. Cecil Shorts. Not Sammy Watkins, not Steve Smith, not another Top 250 prospect even. We talking Cecil Shorts.
Best: Amari Cooper in the 4th. Rookie Wrs are more money than Pablo Escobar and a warehouse filled with Columbian bam bam. Which is also probably where you went after the draft.
Worst: Melvin Gordon in the 3rd. Rookie RB’s are less money than Raw Doggin Raddo at the end of the season. Also, Sam Bradford lmaoooooooooooooooo..you take Mr. Glass as trade bait for when other people’s QBs get hurt? Also, who fuckin trades for QBs? Outside of the Tate-Rodgers trade last year, which deserves its own 30 for 30. Here are some of Sam Bradford’s career highlights:
Best: Gronk-CJ Anderson is a hell of a start. I also like Jordan Matthews but not as much as before since Tim Tebow got cut. As I’m watching Gronk score his third TD on opening night I must say I immediately regret my “Not Drafting Gronk” strategy.
Worst: RB depth is no joke ppl. Don’t neglect that RB position. Did Marissa not learn last year to not take RBs that only have value in PPR? Ameer Abdullah is a great prospect but who knows what week he finally gets his shot.
Best: ODB. Isiah Crowell is a Certified Ebrostradamus Steal. Also I will rep the 7th Floor Crew til I die. Greg Olson could be the #2 TE.
Worst: Yikes, Ellington- Ingram – Stewart after ODB-Cobb really killed my boner for this draft. No need to go into my Ingram hate, but Ellington was just a huge letdown for me last year. If he is healthy, and Carson Palmer is en fuego again, he is a great PPR #2 back but likely his ass will be shutdown by week 5 after he steps on his sandals funny. I don’t feel like Stewart will ever give us the glorious fantasy season from him we deserved.
Week One Quick Picks
Last season: I went 40-43 (48%) last year on weekly picks too, down from 57% the year before. You get what ya pay for, folks.
TEAM BROOKE over Team Hanson
PEAKY FOOKING KRANZERS over The Bedonkagronks
TEAM FISCHER over 30 for 30: Encore
EBROLA VIRUS over Soule Train
THE HUMAN GERBIL over Mile High Heroes
TAY TOT’S TUDDDDDIES over Team Martens