Welcome……to Hate Week.
I have prepared a custom personalized message for each of you:
Weekly League Notes:
James had a nice lil win against Marissa, with Todd Gurley coming alive and the rest of West Canaan putting up 140. The bold proclamation about being the second best team in the league has shades of Tim Tebow’s speech before Florida rattled off to a national title and Tebow got a statue and everyone else got life sentences. Obviously James was walking around his house strutting like a dork and scaring Tilly similar to Kirk Cousins after his GWD vs. Tampa Bay Tampa Bay:
Boi you almost threw a pick-6 the play before and you beat Lovie Smith go fuck your father.
If Kranz had just used promo code PRAYFOREBRO on FanDuel he would’ve been counting his millions with the way his roster jacked up Brooke’s puny little squad. Ol’ boy would’ve been knocking on the mythical 200 point door if he had started Mike Evans (30.4 points on the bench). I am a believer in this Miami squad from here on out, obviously they are getting owned by the Patriots but so is everybody else. Solid core for Kranz, as TI would say “Big Things Poppin’, women shouldn’t vote” or idk it’s been awhile since I listened to TI vs. TIP.
I was hoping Zmarts v ZHans would clear up the contender-pretender debate but it only got murkier as Zmarts won, but lost Arian Foster for the year. Foster was dominant when healthy and now he has no replacement. Melvin Gordon is trash, James Starks is still the backup and Duke Johnson is ehhh. I would take this RB crew in a heartbeat. I think Hans emerged as the contender, but he definitely needs a W this week to prove it. His starting roster is more fully loaded than Lindsay Lohan’s bra in Herbie: Fully Loaded. BTW Disney digitally shrunk her boobs in that movie, true story folks.
Like woah, Sully wins again!! The whole squad did solid, his RBs are looking legit and lo and behold, the moment I publish last week, Antonio Gates reveals an injury and LaDarius Green steps up with a good game. HOWEVA, Sully also dropped Cecil Shorts with very little fanfare. I am only doing my duty to not let this momentous failure slip through the cracks. WORST PICK OF ALL TIME.
EBROSTRADAMUS Win Watch:
Welcome to the EBROSTRADAMUS Win Watch. It has gotten so bad that I feel like I deserve the spotlight shone on me week by week to see if I can pull together for another win this year. Brooke is also a turrible, turrible fantasy player this year (what is her excuse, honestly), and you would think I have a decent shot this week (Google her draft, it was worse than mine). Gaze upon thy RBs and feel my shame. Folks I haven’t seen carnage this bad since Tower 7. I haven’t seen carnage this bad since the last time Thumper Whipped and Nae Nae’d. Last week I had a decent shot when 30 for 30 only put up 86.1, but my RBs combined for 4.4 and I just sat and drank bleach in my basement. This week’s verdict: Na Na.
Zzzzzzz. Another top RB goes down, another subpar back-up goes for $30+. Two weeks ago it was Jamaal Charles, this week its Arian Foster. I’ll pour out a 40 for those we have lost, and just put this here:
4th round bust and former 30 for 30 WR1 Davante Adams was picked off the scrap heap for $13 by Brooke, who also mysteriously bid $12….what the hell is up with that, Commish!! HOWEVA, Kauf was the next highest bidder so I am happy he can’t enjoy the Packers-Broncos game with Adams wearing a Mile High Heroes jersey. Go suck a fart Kauf Daddy!
MVP of the Week: All the Miami Dolphins
EBROSTRADAMUS RB Memorial LVP of the Week: David Johnson, Bishop Sankey
SMH of the Week: Tough, tough week for MN sports.
Fan Duel Game of the Week:
James vs. Kranz
These are two of the hottest teams in the league, and both are full strength this week. No pussy bye weeks from star players getting in the way of this being a full-blown Slobber Knocker. Frankly, wouldn’t be surprised if it went something like this:
Draft Kings Lame of the Week:
Me v Brooke in the toilet bowl. Winner gets a plunger and bus fare to the closest bridge.
Oops Eiferted Again over Ebrola Virus
30 for 30: Encore over Tay Tot’s Tuddddies
Dez Any1 Have A RB For Me? over The Human Gerbil
Soule Train over Team Martens
The Bedonkagronks over Mile High Heroes
Peaky Fooking Kranzers over I DONT WANT YOUR LIFE